Too Trans to Fail

The two friends sat in the diner. They were catching up over lunch, which for them meant being glued to their phones and occasionally sharing a word or two. They were Sam and Sam. They had been friends since childhood. They’d had joint birthday parties since they were eight. They had gone to the same preschool, primary school, high school and university. In their entire lives, they had never lived more than five kilometres away from each other. They had discovered they were trans together. Samuel had become Samantha, and Samantha became Samuel. It was as if they were gifting each other their dead names. They even went down to the government services office together and had a little ceremony when they handed in the forms, almost like people getting married at the registration office.

Samuel let out a sigh.

“What is it?” said Samantha.

“Nothing.”

Samantha looked at him, waiting for him to spill it out.

“Just another article talking bullshit about how quantum computing will change the world.”

“Here we go,” said Samantha. Samuel was doing a PhD in quantum physics. He wanted to solve the problem of uniting the theory of relativity with quantum theory, often called quantum gravity. He wanted to discover the secrets of the universe. But now you couldn’t mention the word quantum without people asking him about quantum computing, and what startup they should invest in.

“The AI bubbles bursting, so what do they do?” said Samuel. “They pump all their money into these stupid quantum start-ups. You know, there’s no real practical application of quantum computing, right?”

Samantha sighed, “Yes, you’ve explained it a million times. Outside of some interesting applications in cryptography, which new quantum-resistant algorithms bypass, and maybe some uses in quantum chemistry, there’s not much to it,” she took a sip of her coffee. “At least people still want to pay you for what you do. No one cares about graphic design anymore. They think AI bullshit can do it all.”

“Soon they’ll think Quantum computers can replace you.”

“You’re just mad because you have this degree in Quantum Physics and you have to beg for research grants while all these venture capitalists, who’ve never seen a wave equation in their life, are raking it in.”

“Yes, I am mad about it.”

“Well then, why don’t we just make our own Quantum start-up. You can just give me all the quantum buzzwords to say, and I can write up the marketing material. Hell, we can even throw AI in there somewhere just in case there’s still some of that money out there.”

“Ha, yeah right.”

“I’m serious. Why not?”

Samuel threw up his arms in frustration. “What would our start-up even do?”

Samantha drummed her fingers on the table. “You said it has applications around chemistry, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, hormones are chemicals. Maybe we could make a start-up to improve HRT?”

“Using quantum computing and AI to design new and improve artificial hormones?” Sam took a sip of his water, ”It does sound like the kind of bullshit someone would try.”

“So let's do it!”

“But it’s bullshit! The tech to do that doesn’t really exist!”

“So? We just do what they all do: get rich from venture capital funding. Then we can use that money for good. Give it to trans people.”

“Alright,” Samuel relented, “We can give it a go.”

Sam and Sam founded TransQuantum Intelligence, or TQI, as it came to be known by some. The prospectus they gave to potential investors spruiked how much quantum was involved, and the money started following. More than they had ever imagined. Some of it they spent on actual quantum chemistry research, to make sure they could not be accused of committing fraud. They also threw a few data scientists in the mix, just to be safe. Immediately, they started funnelling money into transgender charities and community groups, writing it off as consultation on hormone therapies and market research. 

Soon after that, they were able to make the company public, and the stock price slowly rose until the queer community united and decided to GameStop it. It was not hard for some queers with a background in mathematics and economics to figure out investment patterns that would trigger high frequency trading models to start inflating the stock of TransQuantum Intelligence. Using the sprawling online networks of queer people, they were able to co-ordinate a system of buying and selling TQI stock that lifted the company to being the most valuable tech stocks on Wall Street. However, unlike Gamestop, no one realised it was meant to be a meme stock. Everyone just assumed its valuation must have reached such stratospheric levels by actually producing an amazing product. But why TQI when there were so many other Quantum and AI startups? What made them stand out?

And so, the focus of the fever around TransQuantum Intelligence moved away from the quantum and AI aspects of the company, and people speculated that its success was more to do with the transgender involvement in its core business. There was a flood of new start-ups around trans technologies. Suddenly, trans people were being offered six-figure salaries as consultants to trans tech companies who wanted to make all sorts of transgender related products. Materials scientists tried to make new fabrics to improve the compressive properties of chest binders for trans men. Brand new gene therapies were trialled that could give AMAB people the ability to generate estrogen in large amounts. Scientists stoped trying to grow ears on the back of mice and tried breasts and penises instead. Even Elon Musk put aside his rampant hatred of trans people and started a trans tech company, xTrans, in a doomed attempt to jump on the trend.

The Sams could only sit back and marvel at the insanity they had created, it was beyond their wildest expectations. But they knew where it was headed, and they braced for the fall. Eventually, the capital dried up. People started listening to all the economists and financial advisors who had been pointing out how mad it had been all along, and a mass sell-off began. It soon became apparent how much of the world's capital was caught up in the trans tech boom. If the collapse continued, it would cause a new great depression. The US administration decided it couldn’t let that happen. And so it bailed out the trans tech industry. The government started funding all gender affirming care in order to make sure there was a sufficient customer base for the trans tech industry. The incentives were so that good cis people started getting mastectomies to make a quick buck. An orchidectomy could net you a new car. Hospitals were overflowing with medical waste. Entire fields of factories had to be built in order to keep up with the demand for hormone production. Trans support groups were given massive grants and used the money to hire lobbyists and wrest control over the government. 

Crazy right-wing conspiracy theorists claimed it was proof that they were right all along that trans people had been secretly controlling society. But trans people actually turned out to be better at running society than the far right, so no one really paid them much attention. 

Sam and Sam sat in the diner again. They were, of course, stupidly wealthy at this point and could afford to eat at much better establishments. But they were also very stubborn people and didn’t want to risk anywhere new.

“Well,” said Samantha eventually, “That went well.”

Samuel looked down at his meal and mumbled, “Yeah, I guess.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” he said, frowning and pocking his meal with a fork.

“Are you really still upset about quantum computing start-ups? After all this? You have enough money to do whatever research you want now. We’ve achieved queer liberation! Universal transgender Healthcare! How can you be upset?”

“Yeah, but,” he sighed and looked out the window, “We accomplished all that through capitalism. Like, the revolution is supposed to destroy capitalism. But we just became part of it instead.”

His phone buzzed, and he looked down at it. “Urgh, one of the data scientists wants to show us his new LLM again.” He threw his phone down. “I hate this.”

Samantha sat back and considered this, “I guess you’re right. So, what do we do? Use our newfound resources to start a revolution?”

Samuel sighed again, “Nah, I’m over all this. Let’s just talk about something else.”

“Okay,” said Samantha. They both sat silently on their phones for a minute or two before she ventured the question, “So have you seen the new season of Severance yet?”